A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided he just had to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged..shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony.... He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, The woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
The Sheriff of Abilene had been trackin' Wild Bill and his band of outlaws for days...when without warning he's waylaid by a couple of Bill's hombres back-trackin', and captured. As he's led into the outlaw camp amidst a chorus of whoopin' and hollerin' from the jubilant outlaws, he begins to try and think of some way he's gonna be able to get out of this mess. As he's bein' hogtied up real tight on the chuckwagon wheel, Wild Bill himself approaches.
"Well, Sheriff... it looks like we're just gonna have to kill ya since you found our hideout, so I reckon we'll just go ahead and do it!"
"Wait..wait.. jist a minute there, Wild Bill... can't I at least say goodbye to Ol Paint, my horse..we been thru a lot together, and I'd jist like a minute with him."
"I reckon we can allow that one favor.. seein' as how we is all sorta attached to our horses.. and I can't see any harm in lettin' you say a last goodbye." says Bill. "But after that, we're still gonna have to kill ya!"
So the Sheriff whistles.. and Ol Paint comes right on up to him.. the Sheriff tells him.. "Get yore head down here close, Paint.. I gotta tell ya somethin' quiet-like.." Ol Paint obliges... the Sheriff whispers somethin' into his right ear..and Ol Paint takes off in a cloud of dust... whoosh..!
After about a hour, here he comes at a full gallop back into the midst of the outlaw camp.. and, to the pleasant surprise of all them bad guys.. there on his back sits a beautiful blonde gal..nekkid as a newborn babe.. justa smilin' and wavin' to all them outlaws.. Well... no sooner than Ol Paint comes to a halt.. she jumps in amongst them, where they all proceed to have their way with her.
"That's mighty nice of you, Sheriff.. but even tho ya done that.. we're still gonna have to kill ya!" Growls Bill.
"Aw com' on, Wild Bill.. jist gimme one more chance to say bye to Ol Paint.. I didn't get to finish 'fore he took off!" Cajoles the Sheriff.
"Well, I guess so.. jist one more time.. but we're still gonna have to kill ya!", Mutters Bill.
So the sheriff calls over Ol Paint once again, whispers in his left ear.. and again he takes off in a flash...returning once again in about an hour, but this time with a really sexy Brunette... again buck nekkid.. and again.. all the gang has their merry way with her..
Once more.. Wild Bill tells the sheriff.. "We're really appreciative and all.. but we're still gonna kill ya!"
"Aw,Please.. Bill.. jist one more time.. he's really been a good pardner.. and you can see how smart he is.."
"Okay.. but absolutely fer the last time now, Sheriff.." Says Bill.
So.. once again.. Ol Paint gets called over by the Sheriff.. he reachs up best he can with his hogtied hands.. pulls Ol Paint's head down right up to his.. and says in a very forceful voice ..."I said.. POSSE.. you mule-headed sack a bones...Go Git The POSSE!!!"
(Why Us Pickers Love Our Job!)
Dear Mr . Band Leader
We look forward to your performance at our daughter's wedding Saturday May 12. If you
don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite songs. Please
play these during the reception
A Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange it for
full ensemble in the key of B but nothing in 4/4 please.
Mahavishnu Orchestra, "Dance of the Maya" and please have the guitarist
play John McLaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at
Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and we liked his use of
polyrhythms.
One of John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. Our guests love high
register tenor saxes.
We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. So
please play "The Rite of Spring." We like a tempo of about 1/4 note = 93
and transpose it down 3 half-steps - it will be so much more appropriate
for this occasion in the slightly lower register.
Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa's "The
Grand Wazoo." The original key of B flat, would be fine but my cousin
Jeannie would like to sing the baritone sax solo in the key of D -
she has kind of a high voice.
When my new son-in-law takes off the garter, please just a little of
Varese's "Ionization." It's such a funny piece, we think it would go
over real well. Much better than "The Stripper."
And for the bride & groom's first dance, please slow things down a bit
by doing Barber's "Adagio For Strings." It's so much better than "We've
Only Just Begun" or the "Anniversary Waltz."
When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you segue to Thelonius
Monk's "Ruby, My Dear" - it's in honor of my wife's grandmother whose
name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family.
Thanks for all your help. Depending on the outcome we'll certainly be
happy to recommend your band to our friends.
We'll have your check for the fee of $250 (minus our expenses in contacting
you of $12.50) by the end of next month: we're a little short as the young
lady doing the balloon arch wanted her $1,850 in advance and the DJ had
to be paid up front his $2,500 as normal. Our daughter assured us that your
love of music was greater than your need for money, and that you would
welcome the exposure you would get from playing this wedding.
Before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a snack sandwich
and a soda (the bottles are returnable or you can pay the deposit to the
butler). Please use the back entrance to avoid disturbing the guests.
Sincerely,
Frank Butler
A SNAKE TALE..
Baby brother and sister snake just laying around the pit.. when they both decided to have a hissin' contest.
Mama snake yelled at them from the kitchen.. "You kids stop that hissin'..If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.. No hissin' in the pit! If you gotta hiss.. go hiss outside!"
"But mama".. baby brother snake whined.."It's too cold to hiss outside!.. can't we please just hiss in the pit some more?"
"No hissin' in the pit, I said!..If you have to hiss.. for pete's sake take it over to Mrs Pott's pit.. she has more patience with hissin' than I do!"
So..brother and sister went next door to their neighbors, the Potts, pit.. but returned in a short while all upset and crying.
"What happened", said mama snake, "Why are you so upset?"
"Baby brother snake sniffled..."Mrs. Potts was very rude and cranky, and told us we couldn't hiss in her pit!"
"Why the nerve of that woman!" said mama snake.. "She has no right to be so snooty... why I've known the Potts since way before they even had a pit to hiss in!"
(Recounted here with full credit to Little Jimmy Dickens)
HELPING THE BAND
If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. If you're too drunk to stand unassisted, simply lean on one of the band members or the most expensive piece of equipment you see. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the louder you should sing. If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played on one and three and out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a compliment.
The microphone and PA system are merely props, they don't really amplify your voice, so when you grab the mic out of the singers hand be sure to scream into it at the top of your lungs, otherwise no one will hear what a great singer you are. Hearing is over-rated anyway. The crowd and the sound guy will love you for it.
HOW TO REQUEST A SONG FROM THE BAND
When requesting a song from the band, just say "play ... my song!" We have chips implanted in our heads with an unlimited database of the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague. We love the challenge. If we say we really don't remember that tune you want, we're only kidding. Bands actually do know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog our memory, or just repeat your request over and over again.
If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot they know the tune or they are just putting you on.Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do. It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger up. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band." You can bet your request will be the next song we play.
Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. We don't actually make set lists or rehearse songs. We mostly just wait for you to yell something out, then fake it.
An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters. Once you've figured out what genre of music the band plays, please
make your requests from a totally different genre. The more exaggerated the better. If its a big band playing, yell for some Metallica or Slayer or Pantera. Likewise, if its a Latin band, be sure to request Brown-eyed Girl or some Grateful Dead. Musicians need to constantly broaden their musical horizons, and its your job to see that it happens....immediately.
TALKING WITH THE BAND
The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when several band members are singing at the same time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. And we can converse with you in sign language while singing the song, so don't worry that we're in the middle of the chorus.
Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately,regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.
IMPORTANT
When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.
BONUS TIP
As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position.
Pokin' Fun At Musicians... (we won't be partial.. we'll try to cover all types of pickers)
What do you call a Guitar Picker without a girlfriend?
Homeless...
How do you get a Bass Player to play quieter?
Put sheet music in front of him..
How do you get a Bass Player to stop playing altogether?
Put notes on the sheet music...
What's the difference between a Guitar Picker and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a whole family...
How do you tell if the stage is level?
The Drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth....
What do you call people that follow musicians around?
Drummers....
How can you tell if a Drummer is at your front door?
The knocking speeds up...
How do you get a Bass Player off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza...
What do you say to a Guitar Picker in a 3 piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise...
How do you make a Guitar Picker get to a gig faster?
Take the pizza delivery sign off the top of his car....
What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead musician on the road?
The skunk was probably on his way to work...
What's the difference between a dead snake and a dead Bass Player in the road?
There's brake skid marks in front of the snake....
How do you tell if a Country Singer is lying?
His mouth is moving...
.How many Bass Players does it take to change a light bulb?
One Five.... One Five...
Four... one to change it.. the other three to keep the Lead Guitar Picker from hogging the spotlight..
Nine.. one to change it.. the other eight to stand around and brag about how they could do it better...
Did you hear about the Fiddle Player who was in tune with the band?
Neither did we...
What's the difference between a Fiddle Player and a parrot?
Eventually, you can get the parrot to stop the squawking...
How many Band Leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A-One... A-Two....
(Okay... We'll rest for now...)
